Hello Parenting Enthusiasts,
Do you have a guilty pleasure? I have lots. Like a piece of Lindt Sea Salt Dark Chocolate after dinner. For my husband, one of those guilty pleasures is watching "Supernanny". That Jo Frost sure is a pistol. We've watched a few episodes together and although I don't agree exactly with everything she does or says, I DO agree on her underlying philosophy: parents need to be parents. They need to lead and they need to have their power base. For many parents, the root cause of their disciplinary issues, as illustrated to the extreme on the show, is their lack of a firm voice and conviction in action.
We see it episode after episode, parents who have lost control of their households including their kids. In the instances I've seen, the mom is yelling, pleading, punishing, and yet nothing is improving. She has no authority and the kids don't respect her. She is ineffective. Dad is either absent or over-reacting to the Mom's tactics, adding confusion to the mix. No one is on the same page and it's a big, crazy mess.
Supernanny teaches many things to these families, one of which is how Mom can reclaim her power base. Jo teaches her to speak in a firm, authoritative (not yelling) voice and to follow through with conviction. It's difficult. Many don't have conviction. They're not used to it. It's uncomfortable and oftentimes feel like what Jo is asking them to do is too mean or too drastic. And if they don't believe in what they're doing, the kids won't either. Children can sense that internal conflict and without a parent's firm conviction, they'll revert to doing what they want, which is almost never what you want.
Firm voice. The voice of authority, because, after all, you ARE the authority! I know a mom who is not convinced she deserves the authority. At least that's her unspoken message to her children. It seems whatever she is attempting to get them to do, it's a battle. From the small things, like getting into the car seat, to the big ticket items like holding Mommy's hand in the parking lot, there's rebellion and drama. This mom has no authority with her kids. She doesn't change her voice or her body language to indicate she means business. She doesn't follow through with any of the consequences she throws out. She is ineffective at getting the results she wants. And she wonders why parenting is so difficult all the time. I want to tell her if she changed three things, life would be a whole lot easier. So I'm telling her now, and others like her too.
First, are you focusing enough on the green light behaviors? Are you really engaging with your kids every day and giving them your undivided attention and love? As I mentioned in an earlier post, parenting is 80% proactive and 20% reactive. If you're diligently applying your energy in the good stuff, you'll spend less time in the 'red zone'. Alas, kids will be kids, so here are the final two tips to get you through the red zone.
Second, remember to use vocal variety. The firm voice I alluded to and that Supernanny is looking for from you helps solidify your power base. Develop your parental voice and start seeing results.
Third, conviction in action. This means laying out the consequences for unwanted actions and following through with them, forthwith! Now be cautious about this section; don't be threatening no TV for the rest of the week, if you don't actually intend to remove that TV for the week! I quickly saw the error of my ways when I started making threats before realizing the impact it would have on me, not just my kid. I don't want to make my life any harder, so I have to pick something I'm willing to execute that will also catch the attention of my little monster. Different things speak to different kids, so you'll have to feel your way through this section. Just remember, make it real and make it happen if your monster doesn't change his behavior.
This all seems elementary to some readers, and it seriously is. It is also worth repeating, because in all it's simplicity, it can be the most difficult tactic to master. There's nothing wrong with being a gentle, friendly soul to your kids. Eighty percent of the time, that's exactly what you are! And yet, when things come to a head, you as the parent need to step up and BE A PARENT! Get in touch with your inner authority and get on with being an effective leader for your kids. You owe it to them and to yourself.
Happy Parenting!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Power of Positive COACHING, in Youth Sports and in Life!
Happy Friday Parenting Enthusiasts,
I am excited to share a link to an article I read in today's NY Times that comments on the current state of parents, coaches and children in youth sports in this nation. My kids are too young to participate right now, AND YET, just like with bullying, I am ever watchful of trends. And what I'm reading about and seeing in the media regarding youth sports is alarming. Far too many kids drop out of sports after middle school, citing it became too competitive, too selective and not much fun. I see what they mean: parents are booing and harassing referees because they're not happy with the play calling. Teams jeer one another, sometimes within their own ranks. In more severe instances, actual fighting breaks out. What messages are we sending our kids with these behaviors? Not good ones, I assure you.
Enter, the P.C.A., the Positive Coaching Alliance, an organization working to spread the message that youth sports is about giving young athletes a positive, character-building experience ― not to become major league athletes, but to become “major league people.” They teach that the feedback that most helps young athletes develop their potential is not praise for good performance or criticism for bad performance. What works best is the "ELM Tree of Mastery", which helps children understand that they control three key variables: their level of Effort, whether they Learn from experiences, and how they respond to Mistakes. The P.C.A. has worked with most major youth sports organizations, reaching hundreds of thousands of coaches with their tools and training. Their goal is to create positive, life-long change in youth sports culture. They have big-hitters backing them such as coaches from championship NBA teams. I liked what they had to say and invite you to read this article and come to your own conclusion.
When the time comes, I want my kids to enjoy sports for the benefits they impart: improving their own game, helping their teammates improve their game, and improving the game as a whole. P.A.C. contends those same benefits translate into real life by "improving yourself, being a leader who helps others flourish, and working to make society better". I completely agree. That's what I call a 'win-win parenting solution'!
Happy Parenting!
I am excited to share a link to an article I read in today's NY Times that comments on the current state of parents, coaches and children in youth sports in this nation. My kids are too young to participate right now, AND YET, just like with bullying, I am ever watchful of trends. And what I'm reading about and seeing in the media regarding youth sports is alarming. Far too many kids drop out of sports after middle school, citing it became too competitive, too selective and not much fun. I see what they mean: parents are booing and harassing referees because they're not happy with the play calling. Teams jeer one another, sometimes within their own ranks. In more severe instances, actual fighting breaks out. What messages are we sending our kids with these behaviors? Not good ones, I assure you.
Enter, the P.C.A., the Positive Coaching Alliance, an organization working to spread the message that youth sports is about giving young athletes a positive, character-building experience ― not to become major league athletes, but to become “major league people.” They teach that the feedback that most helps young athletes develop their potential is not praise for good performance or criticism for bad performance. What works best is the "ELM Tree of Mastery", which helps children understand that they control three key variables: their level of Effort, whether they Learn from experiences, and how they respond to Mistakes. The P.C.A. has worked with most major youth sports organizations, reaching hundreds of thousands of coaches with their tools and training. Their goal is to create positive, life-long change in youth sports culture. They have big-hitters backing them such as coaches from championship NBA teams. I liked what they had to say and invite you to read this article and come to your own conclusion.
When the time comes, I want my kids to enjoy sports for the benefits they impart: improving their own game, helping their teammates improve their game, and improving the game as a whole. P.A.C. contends those same benefits translate into real life by "improving yourself, being a leader who helps others flourish, and working to make society better". I completely agree. That's what I call a 'win-win parenting solution'!
Happy Parenting!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Parenting Tip: No Buts About It
Hello Parenting Enthusiasts!
Today's parenting tip has to do with communication. Earlier I mentioned it is my mission to raise my children in an environment of respect. One form of respect is most certainly how we talk to one another: parent to parent, parent to child, child to child. If you want your kids to grow up knowing how to respect themselves and others, it must be modeled for them (another point I made earlier).
Many years ago I went to a communication workshop designed to help service providers deal with difficult customers. The class was called "Tongue Fu" and was one of the most memorable and helpful workshops I have ever attended. It helped me improve my communication skills not only with my customers, it also helped with my husband, my family - including my in-laws, and now my children. Sam Horn, creator of the Tongue Fu system contends that 'buts' drive wedges between two parties, thus defeating the purpose of communication, which is to bring parties together. I invite you to read more about this on her website, Tongue Fu.
Removing 'buts' from conversation fosters collaboration and keeps the energy positive. For example, your son races up to you, so excited about having put on and tied his shoes. The shoes are on the wrong foot. You have three possible responses: You can,
Today's parenting tip has to do with communication. Earlier I mentioned it is my mission to raise my children in an environment of respect. One form of respect is most certainly how we talk to one another: parent to parent, parent to child, child to child. If you want your kids to grow up knowing how to respect themselves and others, it must be modeled for them (another point I made earlier).
Many years ago I went to a communication workshop designed to help service providers deal with difficult customers. The class was called "Tongue Fu" and was one of the most memorable and helpful workshops I have ever attended. It helped me improve my communication skills not only with my customers, it also helped with my husband, my family - including my in-laws, and now my children. Sam Horn, creator of the Tongue Fu system contends that 'buts' drive wedges between two parties, thus defeating the purpose of communication, which is to bring parties together. I invite you to read more about this on her website, Tongue Fu.
Removing 'buts' from conversation fosters collaboration and keeps the energy positive. For example, your son races up to you, so excited about having put on and tied his shoes. The shoes are on the wrong foot. You have three possible responses: You can,
- Ignore this fact and simply congratulate the attempt, which is acceptable if your sole intent is to support his efforts;
- Say, "That's great, BUT, they're on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around." This is called the 'Yes, but' syndrome which effectively negates the accomplishment BEFORE the but and puts the focus on the problem (after the but). Not what we're looking for in relating to our kids. Or;
- Say, "That's great, and yet they seem to be on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around so you'll feel more comfortable." Using 'and yet' instead of 'but' keeps the energy positive, preserves the spirit of the message and is instructional without being critical, a very effective tool indeed!
Practice replacing 'yes, but' with 'and yet' for a while. You'll find your listener is more engaged with you, thus more likely to respond positively to what you are sharing. It may take a while, AND YET, it's worth it.
Happy Parenting!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Happy Toddler, Happy House!
Good morning Parenting Enthusiasts!
Today's blog is a bit longer than usual, and yet, it's chock full of handy tidbits gleaned from one of my favorite parenting books, Dr. Harvey Karp’s, Happiest Toddler on the Block.
Caution Actions, or ‘yellow light’ behavior solutions
Today's blog is a bit longer than usual, and yet, it's chock full of handy tidbits gleaned from one of my favorite parenting books, Dr. Harvey Karp’s, Happiest Toddler on the Block.
If you haven't read it, make this book a part of your permanent collection. It's got more way more stuff than I'm able to include here. This is just to whet your appetite. So, without further ado, here's the summary:
Spend 80% of your time practicing the following:
Activities that encourage ‘green light’ behaviorsSpend 80% of your time practicing the following:
- Feed the Meter - short bursts of positive, focused attention throughout the day
- Time Ins- just sit and watch your kid; give him a high5, knuckle bump, smile, wink, hug
- Gossip - let your child overhear you whispering good things about him to someone else
- Mini Rewards - storytime, special game, tv time, privileges
- Hand Checks - check marks made on the hand and awarded for desired behaviors; added up and celebrated at the end of day
- Star Chart - used to accomplish specific goal, like potty training
- Play the Boob - a classic! Acting the fool gets you a lot of play in my house; often brings a kid back from the brink of ‘red light’ behaviors. Besides, it’s a lot of fun
- Play - Outside, Arts/ Crafts, Imaginary Play, Creative and Books
- Devise win-win scenarios; Kids need wins. This is the focus of my parenting style.
- Ask for help with stuff - kids love being the authority on matters
- Offer options - detailed in previous posting, “Mommy, what are my options?”
- Listen with Respect - at their eye level, quiet, nodding, open body language
- Praise the Effort not always the Result
- Playing the Boob again - this, too, makes a kid feel great
- Patience Stretching - make it a game: set a timer, make the wait incrementally longer
- Magic Breathing - never underestimate the power of a few deep breaths
- Daily Routines are Good - sets expectations; covered in previous posting “I’m Grateful for the Routine”
- Bedtime Sweet Talk, AKA “Gratefuls” also covered in previous posting “I’m Grateful for the Routine”
- Fairy Tales - let your child be the hero in a story he devises, great problem solving tool; makes them feel good too!
- Catching others being ‘good’
- Role Playing
Caution Actions, or ‘yellow light’ behavior solutions
- Clap-Growl Warnings - Non-verbal, startling action, usually interrupts unwanted behavior
- Polite Ignoring - most kids HATE being ignored. Withdrawing your attention for a spell can help unwanted behavior disappear.
- Time Out: temporary deprivation of freedom and attention (p 191)
- Privileges withdrawn
As I mentioned earlier, this is only a summary of information available in Dr. Karp's book. To learn more, get his book and check out his website. Both are loaded with great examples to help you create 'win-win' parenting solutions!
Happy Parenting!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Mommy's Big Mad: A Handy Teaching Tool
Dear Parenting Enthusiast,
As much of a surprise as this may come to my friends and family, (HA!) I am not perfect. Far from it. And although I've come a long way Baby, I'm still capable of having myself a most righteous and undignified tantrum. They're not as bad as they once were (Amen) and yet they still happen. Hey! I'm human and subject to the frailties and mood swings of said species. In other words, I can still have a "big mad".
That's what we call meltdowns or tantrums in our house. Big Mads. I got that term from my sister, whose kids are older now and not prone to them as much (let's hope). And even though it would be nice if Mommy could maintain her cool through thick and thin, through freshly bathed M2 running naked, climbing up on the dining room table and commencing with dumping an entire glass of milk all over herself and the table, whilst M1 chants and hollers, I sometimes fall short of the mark. Perhaps I was experiencing low-blood sugar or lack of sleep. Whatever the case, we all have meltdowns, just like our kids. Rather than ignore them (not cool), or feel guilty for having them (not productive), I have decided that they make for a fine teaching tool.
Example: as mentioned earlier, M2 is drenched in milk, M1 is hollering and Mommy is ticked. Really ticked. She has been running ragged all day, was thinking she was at the end of this long road, what with the bath time being done and the bedtime just around the corner- and then this! She snaps.
"DAMMIT!" I yell as I race for the nearest Norwex washcloth (the best thing EVER). "G-O-D DAMMIT!" Yup, I've snapped. Now I'm stomping around, grumbling not-so-quiet-or-nice-things under my breath and basically scaring the bejeezus out of the kids. M1 takes off for his room. M2 just stands and cries. I've lost control of myself. Their reactions snap me out of it. I step back, take two or three deep breaths, re-center myself and come back to the job of cleaning (and now calming) the little offender. M1 reappears and watches silently. I finish wiping up, diaper M2 and am ready to address them.
"Mommy had a big mad" I say. "I am sorry I yelled and said bad words and scared you. Will you forgive me?" I look each child in the eyes and wait. Yes, says M1, and he runs off to get some toys for me to play with him. M2 just hugs me and babbles her forgiveness. All is well once more.
Everyone has a big mad once in a while. The key is to make corrections, fix the damage and most importantly CALL YOUR FOUL. Your kids deserve the respect of an apology. If you wrong them, say "I'm sorry". It's good manners and good modeling. And, it's what you would want if things were reversed. Not that you'd be standing stark naked on your dining room table, awash in skim milk, but hey...
Happy Parenting!
As much of a surprise as this may come to my friends and family, (HA!) I am not perfect. Far from it. And although I've come a long way Baby, I'm still capable of having myself a most righteous and undignified tantrum. They're not as bad as they once were (Amen) and yet they still happen. Hey! I'm human and subject to the frailties and mood swings of said species. In other words, I can still have a "big mad".
That's what we call meltdowns or tantrums in our house. Big Mads. I got that term from my sister, whose kids are older now and not prone to them as much (let's hope). And even though it would be nice if Mommy could maintain her cool through thick and thin, through freshly bathed M2 running naked, climbing up on the dining room table and commencing with dumping an entire glass of milk all over herself and the table, whilst M1 chants and hollers, I sometimes fall short of the mark. Perhaps I was experiencing low-blood sugar or lack of sleep. Whatever the case, we all have meltdowns, just like our kids. Rather than ignore them (not cool), or feel guilty for having them (not productive), I have decided that they make for a fine teaching tool.
Example: as mentioned earlier, M2 is drenched in milk, M1 is hollering and Mommy is ticked. Really ticked. She has been running ragged all day, was thinking she was at the end of this long road, what with the bath time being done and the bedtime just around the corner- and then this! She snaps.
"DAMMIT!" I yell as I race for the nearest Norwex washcloth (the best thing EVER). "G-O-D DAMMIT!" Yup, I've snapped. Now I'm stomping around, grumbling not-so-quiet-or-nice-things under my breath and basically scaring the bejeezus out of the kids. M1 takes off for his room. M2 just stands and cries. I've lost control of myself. Their reactions snap me out of it. I step back, take two or three deep breaths, re-center myself and come back to the job of cleaning (and now calming) the little offender. M1 reappears and watches silently. I finish wiping up, diaper M2 and am ready to address them.
"Mommy had a big mad" I say. "I am sorry I yelled and said bad words and scared you. Will you forgive me?" I look each child in the eyes and wait. Yes, says M1, and he runs off to get some toys for me to play with him. M2 just hugs me and babbles her forgiveness. All is well once more.
Everyone has a big mad once in a while. The key is to make corrections, fix the damage and most importantly CALL YOUR FOUL. Your kids deserve the respect of an apology. If you wrong them, say "I'm sorry". It's good manners and good modeling. And, it's what you would want if things were reversed. Not that you'd be standing stark naked on your dining room table, awash in skim milk, but hey...
Happy Parenting!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It Takes a Village
Hello Parenting Enthusiasts!
A long time ago, when I was barely contemplating starting a family, my uncle Benj shared this gem with me. He said, "Di, it takes a village." Actually, I think he really said it takes a whole damn village, but you get the gist. And he's right. Damn right. I would not be the confident, happy parent I am today if I hadn't paid heed to my sage Uncle Benj's words and gone out to find my village.
I write today to endorse some of these villages: MOMS Club, Dads Club, ECFE, Let's Talk Kids, community education. These types of organizations make it possible for a parent to get all kinds of support, valuable information and to feel heard. They're even great places to share a laugh or two, because when living with smalls, those are in no short supply.
When I started out, I was a S.A.H.M. (stay at home mom), who knew I needed outside support for my own safety and sanity. I joined the local MOMS Club (Moms Offering Moms Support) and quickly developed friendships with other moms in my neighborhood. When one recommended I attend an ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) class, I enrolled in a low cost, 14 week "baby and me" course. It was amazing. Between the outings with the other moms in my club and the parents and educators in the classroom, I was meeting and learning and laughing my way through parenting. Did it make all my problems disappear? No, Silly, of course not! And yet, it DID make me feel able to manage those challenges, so things weren't as scary anymore. Win-win!
Listen up! This is very important, because, although you can get a rich supply of information and yes, even some support, from the world wide web (my blog included!), there is simply NOTHING like having face to face, human contact with another person to help make the world a little more sane and a little less scary.
So if you haven't already done so, get out there and find your village. It makes parenting, whether it's the 'at-home' or 'working mom' variety, so much nicer and lots more fun.
Happy Parenting!
A long time ago, when I was barely contemplating starting a family, my uncle Benj shared this gem with me. He said, "Di, it takes a village." Actually, I think he really said it takes a whole damn village, but you get the gist. And he's right. Damn right. I would not be the confident, happy parent I am today if I hadn't paid heed to my sage Uncle Benj's words and gone out to find my village.
I write today to endorse some of these villages: MOMS Club, Dads Club, ECFE, Let's Talk Kids, community education. These types of organizations make it possible for a parent to get all kinds of support, valuable information and to feel heard. They're even great places to share a laugh or two, because when living with smalls, those are in no short supply.
When I started out, I was a S.A.H.M. (stay at home mom), who knew I needed outside support for my own safety and sanity. I joined the local MOMS Club (Moms Offering Moms Support) and quickly developed friendships with other moms in my neighborhood. When one recommended I attend an ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) class, I enrolled in a low cost, 14 week "baby and me" course. It was amazing. Between the outings with the other moms in my club and the parents and educators in the classroom, I was meeting and learning and laughing my way through parenting. Did it make all my problems disappear? No, Silly, of course not! And yet, it DID make me feel able to manage those challenges, so things weren't as scary anymore. Win-win!
Listen up! This is very important, because, although you can get a rich supply of information and yes, even some support, from the world wide web (my blog included!), there is simply NOTHING like having face to face, human contact with another person to help make the world a little more sane and a little less scary.
So if you haven't already done so, get out there and find your village. It makes parenting, whether it's the 'at-home' or 'working mom' variety, so much nicer and lots more fun.
Happy Parenting!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Some Days, Life is Just a Draw
Dear Parenting Enthusiasts,
As you've already gathered, my whole objective with this blog, and in life, is to achieve win-win solutions, as a parent, as a fellow human on this planet. It's a lofty goal some days, and on those days, it's best just to call it a draw. Let me explain.
Last Friday night, the family plan was to ride the chair lift at the local ski resort to enjoy the fall colors from above. It's a once-a-year event, replete with musicians, food, educational areas and glow sticks. We've gone every year since I learned of this awesome event's existence. Well, earlier that day, M1 was up AGAIN at the crack of spanking dawn, so I made him walk the dog with me. We wore reflective vests, so that made it more compelling. We skipped and jumped and ran. I later learned that M1 did not nap at daycare- he never does, nor did he fall asleep in the car on the way to the ski slope, which he often does. NOT GOOD.
Things were going fine until M1 fell and hit his hip on one of the rocks on the fire trails. Then, it was a fast descent into madness from which there was no recovery. Remember my earlier observations about food and rest? Well, he had food but no rest. The kid was exhausted. Both Dad and I took turns trying to turn the ship around. We had a variety of techniques at our disposal. We used everything in the S.O.S. toolkit and then some. It was no use. He was not coming back and that was the hard luck truth. The only thing left to do was leave. Which we did. It was a loud, long, sad retreat. It was fraught with drama and punctuated with wails and screams. We soldiered on, eyes forward, shoulders squared. There was one point, when Dad had to stop for a moment, that there was quiet. M1 had recovered some of his senses and was speaking coherently, a moment I treasured. We managed to get to the car without incident. I fully expected him to fall asleep on the 40 minute ride home, and yet he didn't. At least he was no longer crying. Just not sleeping. We ran through the bedtime routine and sent him off to dream land. At least THAT went well. And he slept until 7 Saturday morning. So there was no lasting effect.
As Kenny Rogers once crooned, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em". That much is true with kids too. That Friday night, we folded. It was the right thing to do, because some days, life is just a draw.
And that's OK. Happy Parenting!
As you've already gathered, my whole objective with this blog, and in life, is to achieve win-win solutions, as a parent, as a fellow human on this planet. It's a lofty goal some days, and on those days, it's best just to call it a draw. Let me explain.
Last Friday night, the family plan was to ride the chair lift at the local ski resort to enjoy the fall colors from above. It's a once-a-year event, replete with musicians, food, educational areas and glow sticks. We've gone every year since I learned of this awesome event's existence. Well, earlier that day, M1 was up AGAIN at the crack of spanking dawn, so I made him walk the dog with me. We wore reflective vests, so that made it more compelling. We skipped and jumped and ran. I later learned that M1 did not nap at daycare- he never does, nor did he fall asleep in the car on the way to the ski slope, which he often does. NOT GOOD.
Things were going fine until M1 fell and hit his hip on one of the rocks on the fire trails. Then, it was a fast descent into madness from which there was no recovery. Remember my earlier observations about food and rest? Well, he had food but no rest. The kid was exhausted. Both Dad and I took turns trying to turn the ship around. We had a variety of techniques at our disposal. We used everything in the S.O.S. toolkit and then some. It was no use. He was not coming back and that was the hard luck truth. The only thing left to do was leave. Which we did. It was a loud, long, sad retreat. It was fraught with drama and punctuated with wails and screams. We soldiered on, eyes forward, shoulders squared. There was one point, when Dad had to stop for a moment, that there was quiet. M1 had recovered some of his senses and was speaking coherently, a moment I treasured. We managed to get to the car without incident. I fully expected him to fall asleep on the 40 minute ride home, and yet he didn't. At least he was no longer crying. Just not sleeping. We ran through the bedtime routine and sent him off to dream land. At least THAT went well. And he slept until 7 Saturday morning. So there was no lasting effect.
As Kenny Rogers once crooned, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em". That much is true with kids too. That Friday night, we folded. It was the right thing to do, because some days, life is just a draw.
And that's OK. Happy Parenting!
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