The Power of A Firm Voice and Conviction In Action

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts,


Do you have a guilty pleasure? I have lots. Like a piece of Lindt Sea Salt Dark Chocolate after dinner. For my husband, one of those guilty pleasures is watching "Supernanny". That Jo Frost sure is a pistol. We've watched a few episodes together and although I don't agree exactly with everything she does or says, I DO agree on her underlying philosophy: parents need to be parents. They need to lead and they need to have their power base. For many parents, the root cause of their disciplinary issues, as illustrated to the extreme on the show, is their lack of a firm voice and conviction in action.


We see it episode after episode, parents who have lost control of their households including their kids. In the instances I've seen, the mom is yelling, pleading, punishing, and yet nothing is improving. She has no authority and the kids don't respect her. She is ineffective. Dad is either absent or over-reacting to the Mom's tactics, adding confusion to the mix. No one is on the same page and it's a big, crazy mess.


Supernanny teaches many things to these families, one of which is how Mom can reclaim her power base. Jo teaches her to speak in a firm, authoritative (not yelling) voice and to follow through with conviction. It's difficult. Many don't have conviction. They're not used to it. It's uncomfortable and oftentimes feel like what Jo is asking them to do is too mean or too drastic. And if they don't believe in what they're doing, the kids won't either. Children can sense that internal conflict and without a parent's firm conviction, they'll revert to doing what they want, which is almost never what you want.


Firm voice. The voice of authority, because, after all, you ARE the authority! I know a mom who is not convinced she deserves the authority. At least that's her unspoken message to her children. It seems whatever she is attempting to get them to do, it's a battle. From the small things, like getting into the car seat, to the big ticket items like holding Mommy's hand in the parking lot, there's rebellion and drama. This mom has no authority with her kids. She doesn't change her voice or her body language to indicate she means business. She doesn't follow through with any of the consequences she throws out. She is ineffective at getting the results she wants. And she wonders why parenting is so difficult all the time. I want to tell her if she changed three things, life would be a whole lot easier. So I'm telling her now, and others like her too.


First, are you focusing enough on the green light behaviors? Are you really engaging with your kids every day and giving them your undivided attention and love? As I mentioned in an earlier post, parenting is 80% proactive and 20% reactive. If you're diligently applying your energy in the good stuff, you'll spend less time in the 'red zone'. Alas, kids will be kids, so here are the final two tips to get you through the red zone.


Second, remember to use vocal variety. The firm voice I alluded to and that Supernanny is looking for from you helps solidify your power base. Develop your parental voice and start seeing results.


Third, conviction in action. This means laying out the consequences for unwanted actions and following through with them, forthwith! Now be cautious about this section; don't be threatening no TV for the rest of the week, if you don't actually intend to remove that TV for the week! I quickly saw the error of my ways when I started making threats before realizing the impact it would have on me, not just my kid. I don't want to make my life any harder, so I have to pick something I'm willing to execute that will also catch the attention of my little monster. Different things speak to different kids, so you'll have to feel your way through this section. Just remember, make it real and make it happen if your monster doesn't change his behavior.


This all seems elementary to some readers, and it seriously is. It is also worth repeating, because in all it's simplicity, it can be the most difficult tactic to master. There's nothing wrong with being a gentle, friendly soul to your kids. Eighty percent of the time, that's exactly what you are! And yet, when things come to a head, you as the parent need to step up and BE A PARENT! Get in touch with your inner authority and get on with being an effective leader for your kids. You owe it to them and to yourself.


Happy Parenting!