More on Gratitude, 'Tis the Season After All!

"The Giving Inoculation"

·         Altruistically motivated teens are 3x happier

·         Generous behavior reduces adolescent depression and suicide risk

·         Teens who volunteer are less likely to fail a subject in school, get pregnant or abuse substances

·         Teen who volunteer are more socially competent and have higher self-esteem

Source: Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley

The above information was used as part of the advertising campaign for a pilot program aimed at youth where I work. I am a big fan of this kind of stuff, so of course I had to use it in my own blog.

I've written several times about how important being grateful and embracing gratitude is in my life and my parenting. Seeing how being involved in a giving way can help me raise a better human being makes my heart sing. I even went on to the UC Berkeley web site and took the Gratitude Quiz. Gladly, I learned I'm walking the walk because I got 94 our of 105. Go take the quiz and tell me how you measure up. Even if you're not a 'gratitude superstar' just raising your awareness of the concept is an important step in the right direction. I even took a few moments to read the comments section, with some of whom I disagreed. No matter, at least people are talking about it. That's the whole point.

So that's my parenting advice for today. Help create win-win parenting solutions at home by talking about those things for which you are grateful. Do it while sitting around the dinner table- it's a two-for-one in family bonding!

Happy Parenting!

Morality Obsolete? Egad!

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts,


Once again, I have found something interesting while reading on the internet. Today we take on a short discussion about morality. We know this topic is deserving of more than a single post. I'm simply making a foray into these waters to see what floats to the surface. Check out a recent NY Times article, which summarizes, "If it feels right to me, then it is". In it, columnist David Brooks states that sentiment pretty much sums up the moral philosophy of most young Americans, who have grown up unmoored from any cultural or religious framework for knowing right from wrong. In a new book, Lost in Transition, a group of sociologists documents how people in their late teens and early 20s have come to view moral choices as “just a matter of individual taste,” and seem perplexed when asked to make judgments about behavior that earlier generations would clearly label as wrong.


Cheating on tests? Infidelity? Drunken driving? Brooks continues that in interviews, young people say that decisions about such behavior are “up to the individual.” There is virtually no sense of any overarching value system or obligation to society or to others. “I guess what makes something right is how I feel about it,” is a typical refrain. For this, he says, we can only blame schools, institutions, and families. From blind deference to churches and authority, our society has swung to the other extreme, and now morality is purely “something that emerges in the privacy of your own heart.”


I am especially interested in this subject as my husband and I are on different pages from an organized religion standpoint, therefore our children, as yet, have had no formal introduction to that moral framework. Also, we don't come from a particularly strong cultural background; we're just average middle class Joes originally from parts of northern Europe. Like most people in my area I expect. Moreover, my sister is struggling with the morality question regarding her teenage son. Although in no way a criminal, some of his actions have called his moral compass into question of late, making my sister wonder, 'where did this come from'? We raised you in a certain way, with certain, set values, and where are they now? What is happening? She's fearful she and her husband haven't instilled their morals deeply enough onto their children. Which is ridiculous, as her son is a straight A student and is just doing the teenager thing of exploring his boundaries and beliefs. He's not adrift in moral ambiguity. He knows what he's doing is wrong and chooses to do it for completely different reasons. But I digress. That's a topic for another post.


So how accurate is the author of the book and the columnist who wrote about this phenomenon? Have you yourself witnessed or worked with young Americans seemingly operating in a moral vacuum based on 'if it feels right, it is right' mentality? How serious is this? Should I / we be worried?

I'd love to hear you weigh in.

Strengthen the Parent - Child Bond, Create Memories

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts,

Once again, in my endless search of the web for interesting material, the universe has directed me to a great article I would like to share. Frank Love writes about family, relationships and all other matters of the heart. He posts on the Humorous Speakers Bureau to which I belong on Linked In. His latest, "How to Create Remarkable Moments for Your Children" is one of my favorites.

A few years ago, before my mom died, she gave my sister and me a 4 inch, D-ring binder filled with letters she had written to her mother since she married and moved away from home in 1959. It chronicles her life with my father before kids, her announcement and subsequent pregnancy with my older sister and life with her new family. It was, in short, mind-blowing. I was amazed at the level of detail she included in her everyday doings. Reading about her pregnancy and delivery with me made me feel so connected to her and to the Great Divine in general. Hundreds and hundreds of letters home. All saved, duplicated and assembled for my sister and me to have for our own. A greater gift from my mother simply could not exist. I am even more grateful for this familial archive as, sadly enough, my children were born after my mom died. They may never know her in person, yet they will know her legacy as I share her stories with them as they grow.

Even if you're not into writing, find some way to express yourself to your kids so they'll always have something to remember you by and cherish. Spoken word -- my dad recorded our voices every year for the first 20 years of our lives: art, music, home movies. Do something. It could mean everything someday.

Happy Parenting

These Are Trying Times

Ever have one of those days where, when all was said and done, you just were relieved everyone survived? That was me yesterday. Actually, it's been me for the last week or so. You see, I am between jobs, and the kids have been home with me during half of the week. I toyed with the idea of keeping them in daycare full time, yet financially that was not feasible. And, I missed my kids. I wanted to be with them again, like I was before I went to work outside the home. I wanted to reconnect with them and enjoy their company. I thought it was going to be like old times again!

Yeah, right. Best laid plans and all that. Turns out, this 'return to paradise' wasn't, for either me or the kids,  because paradise doesn't actually exist. When I complained about my disappointment, my husband was quick to remind me things were never truly idyllic when I was home with the kids. Back then, we had an established routine and enjoyed our time together, true. And yet, I had conveniently forgotten (or blocked!) all the frustrating times I had too. I had dismissed that, despite the effort at getting out and hanging with other adults, staying home with kids is still isolating. Add to this the fact I had just gotten used to not missing my kids so much, and to having regular adult conversations that weren't about kids. That changed up pretty quickly too. I got whiplash. I'm sure the kids did too, which all added up to painful times.

Changing a routine is difficult on all involved. Being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) is hard and being a WM (working mom) is hard. It's all hard, yet for different reasons. I got a good taste of this as I tried slipping between the two. I forgot how much kids depend on a routine, myself included. They're flexible, yes, and yet being shipped back and forth from one daily routine to the next has its drawbacks. I forgot how challenging my son can be, pushing all my buttons, one right after the next. And since we all know the kids save up their absolute worst behavior for dear old Mom, M1 was the heat-seeking missile to my giant, Mommy bulls eye. He's lucky to be alive, I tell ya. At one point, just to demonstrate the kind of crazy I had devolved into, I removed ALL the furniture from his room, save the bed, just to see what stunt he would pull next! I found out quickly enough; he resorted to taunting his sister through the air-return vent between their shared wall. Guess THAT nap time is over, for everyone. Lesson learned. Furniture returned.

What I'm trying to say is that these ARE trying times, financially, socially, emotionally, spiritually. The proverbial *%$@ will undoubtedly hit the fan once in a while. And, if you're like me, you're going to go a little crazy and take the proverbial furniture out of your kid's room. That's OK. You'll eventually recover your senses and hopefully no permanent damage will have been done. We still love you.

Today, cut yourself some slack, acknowledge out loud that this party occasionally sucks, and move on down the road. Tomorrow you may have a good laugh about the crazy. Or perhaps not. Whatever the case, take comfort knowing you are not alone; we're all in this together.

If you have a comment about this, or anything else you've read, I'd love to hear from you! Prove to me I'm not in this alone. And, until next time,

Happy Parenting!

The Power of A Firm Voice and Conviction In Action

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts,


Do you have a guilty pleasure? I have lots. Like a piece of Lindt Sea Salt Dark Chocolate after dinner. For my husband, one of those guilty pleasures is watching "Supernanny". That Jo Frost sure is a pistol. We've watched a few episodes together and although I don't agree exactly with everything she does or says, I DO agree on her underlying philosophy: parents need to be parents. They need to lead and they need to have their power base. For many parents, the root cause of their disciplinary issues, as illustrated to the extreme on the show, is their lack of a firm voice and conviction in action.


We see it episode after episode, parents who have lost control of their households including their kids. In the instances I've seen, the mom is yelling, pleading, punishing, and yet nothing is improving. She has no authority and the kids don't respect her. She is ineffective. Dad is either absent or over-reacting to the Mom's tactics, adding confusion to the mix. No one is on the same page and it's a big, crazy mess.


Supernanny teaches many things to these families, one of which is how Mom can reclaim her power base. Jo teaches her to speak in a firm, authoritative (not yelling) voice and to follow through with conviction. It's difficult. Many don't have conviction. They're not used to it. It's uncomfortable and oftentimes feel like what Jo is asking them to do is too mean or too drastic. And if they don't believe in what they're doing, the kids won't either. Children can sense that internal conflict and without a parent's firm conviction, they'll revert to doing what they want, which is almost never what you want.


Firm voice. The voice of authority, because, after all, you ARE the authority! I know a mom who is not convinced she deserves the authority. At least that's her unspoken message to her children. It seems whatever she is attempting to get them to do, it's a battle. From the small things, like getting into the car seat, to the big ticket items like holding Mommy's hand in the parking lot, there's rebellion and drama. This mom has no authority with her kids. She doesn't change her voice or her body language to indicate she means business. She doesn't follow through with any of the consequences she throws out. She is ineffective at getting the results she wants. And she wonders why parenting is so difficult all the time. I want to tell her if she changed three things, life would be a whole lot easier. So I'm telling her now, and others like her too.


First, are you focusing enough on the green light behaviors? Are you really engaging with your kids every day and giving them your undivided attention and love? As I mentioned in an earlier post, parenting is 80% proactive and 20% reactive. If you're diligently applying your energy in the good stuff, you'll spend less time in the 'red zone'. Alas, kids will be kids, so here are the final two tips to get you through the red zone.


Second, remember to use vocal variety. The firm voice I alluded to and that Supernanny is looking for from you helps solidify your power base. Develop your parental voice and start seeing results.


Third, conviction in action. This means laying out the consequences for unwanted actions and following through with them, forthwith! Now be cautious about this section; don't be threatening no TV for the rest of the week, if you don't actually intend to remove that TV for the week! I quickly saw the error of my ways when I started making threats before realizing the impact it would have on me, not just my kid. I don't want to make my life any harder, so I have to pick something I'm willing to execute that will also catch the attention of my little monster. Different things speak to different kids, so you'll have to feel your way through this section. Just remember, make it real and make it happen if your monster doesn't change his behavior.


This all seems elementary to some readers, and it seriously is. It is also worth repeating, because in all it's simplicity, it can be the most difficult tactic to master. There's nothing wrong with being a gentle, friendly soul to your kids. Eighty percent of the time, that's exactly what you are! And yet, when things come to a head, you as the parent need to step up and BE A PARENT! Get in touch with your inner authority and get on with being an effective leader for your kids. You owe it to them and to yourself.


Happy Parenting!

The Power of Positive COACHING, in Youth Sports and in Life!

Happy Friday Parenting Enthusiasts,


I am excited to share a link to an article I read in today's NY Times that comments on the current state of parents, coaches and children in youth sports in this nation. My kids are too young to participate right now, AND YET, just like with bullying, I am ever watchful of trends. And what I'm reading about and seeing in the media regarding youth sports is alarming. Far too many kids drop out of sports after middle school, citing it became too competitive, too selective and not much fun. I see what they mean: parents are booing and harassing referees because they're not happy with the play calling. Teams jeer one another, sometimes within their own ranks. In more severe instances, actual fighting breaks out. What messages are we sending our kids with these behaviors? Not good ones, I assure you.


Enter, the P.C.A., the Positive Coaching Alliance, an organization working to spread the message that youth sports is about giving young athletes a positive, character-building experience ― not to become major league athletes, but to become “major league people.” They teach that the feedback that most helps young athletes develop their potential is not praise for good performance or criticism for bad performance.  What works best is the "ELM Tree of Mastery", which helps children understand that they control three key variables: their level of Effort, whether they Learn from experiences, and how they respond to Mistakes. The P.C.A. has worked with most major youth sports organizations, reaching hundreds of thousands of coaches with their tools and training. Their goal is to create positive, life-long change in youth sports culture. They have big-hitters backing them such as coaches from championship NBA teams. I liked what they had to say and invite you to read this article and come to your own conclusion.


When the time comes, I want my kids to enjoy sports for the benefits they impart: improving their own game, helping their teammates improve their game, and improving the game as a whole.  P.A.C. contends those same benefits translate into real life by "improving yourself, being a leader who helps others flourish, and working to make society better". I completely agree. That's what I call a 'win-win parenting solution'!


Happy Parenting!

Parenting Tip: No Buts About It

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts!


Today's parenting tip has to do with communication. Earlier I mentioned it is my mission to raise my children in an environment of respect. One form of respect is most certainly how we talk to one another: parent to parent, parent to child, child to child. If you want your kids to grow up knowing how to respect themselves and others, it must be modeled for them (another point I made earlier).


Many years ago I went to a communication workshop designed to help service providers deal with difficult customers. The class was called "Tongue Fu" and was one of the most memorable and helpful workshops I have ever attended. It helped me improve my communication skills not only with my customers, it also helped with my husband, my family - including my in-laws, and now my children. Sam Horn, creator of the Tongue Fu system contends that 'buts' drive wedges between two parties, thus defeating the purpose of communication, which is to bring parties together. I invite you to read more about this on her website, Tongue Fu. 


Removing 'buts' from conversation fosters collaboration and keeps the energy positive. For example, your son races up to you, so excited about having put on and tied his shoes. The shoes are on the wrong foot. You have three possible responses: You can,

1. Ignore this fact and simply congratulate the attempt, which is acceptable if your sole intent is to support his efforts;
2. Say, "That's great, BUT, they're on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around." This is called the 'Yes, but' syndrome which effectively negates the accomplishment BEFORE the but and puts the focus on the problem (after the but). Not what we're looking for in relating to our kids. Or;
3. Say, "That's great, and yet they seem to be on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around so you'll feel more comfortable." Using 'and yet' instead of 'but' keeps the energy positive, preserves the spirit of the message and is instructional without being critical, a very effective tool indeed!

Practice replacing 'yes, but' with 'and yet' for a while. You'll find your listener is more engaged with you, thus more likely to respond positively to what you are sharing. It may take a while, AND YET, it's worth it.

Happy Parenting!