Parenting Tip: No Buts About It

Hello Parenting Enthusiasts!


Today's parenting tip has to do with communication. Earlier I mentioned it is my mission to raise my children in an environment of respect. One form of respect is most certainly how we talk to one another: parent to parent, parent to child, child to child. If you want your kids to grow up knowing how to respect themselves and others, it must be modeled for them (another point I made earlier).


Many years ago I went to a communication workshop designed to help service providers deal with difficult customers. The class was called "Tongue Fu" and was one of the most memorable and helpful workshops I have ever attended. It helped me improve my communication skills not only with my customers, it also helped with my husband, my family - including my in-laws, and now my children. Sam Horn, creator of the Tongue Fu system contends that 'buts' drive wedges between two parties, thus defeating the purpose of communication, which is to bring parties together. I invite you to read more about this on her website, Tongue Fu. 


Removing 'buts' from conversation fosters collaboration and keeps the energy positive. For example, your son races up to you, so excited about having put on and tied his shoes. The shoes are on the wrong foot. You have three possible responses: You can,

1. Ignore this fact and simply congratulate the attempt, which is acceptable if your sole intent is to support his efforts;
2. Say, "That's great, BUT, they're on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around." This is called the 'Yes, but' syndrome which effectively negates the accomplishment BEFORE the but and puts the focus on the problem (after the but). Not what we're looking for in relating to our kids. Or;
3. Say, "That's great, and yet they seem to be on the wrong foot. Let's switch them around so you'll feel more comfortable." Using 'and yet' instead of 'but' keeps the energy positive, preserves the spirit of the message and is instructional without being critical, a very effective tool indeed!

Practice replacing 'yes, but' with 'and yet' for a while. You'll find your listener is more engaged with you, thus more likely to respond positively to what you are sharing. It may take a while, AND YET, it's worth it.

Happy Parenting!